however, first, some warnings. for example, mom - read this under no circumstances. this is one piece of writing a parent should never see of their child. you may not want me to come home for x-mas. as for everyone else, if you don't find the following things funny, don't read on: misogyny, sex with animals, public displays of fellatio, malicious deceit, and graphic violence involving christmas candy. essentially, if you are a decent person at all, you'll just stop reading now.
with that said, here is my untitled article about one night stands in Orlando. please to enjoy.
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Ask someone what they think the best part about Christmas is and you’re likely to get some crappy, high fructose corn syrup answer. Family. Togetherness. Compassion. How everything looks so pretty. Peace on earth and goodwill towards oh-my-fucking-god-shut-up-or-im-going-to-jam-a-candy-cane-in-your-eye. On a good day, there’s the person or two who’ll at least be honest and have the guts to say “presents” but that’s still not even close to the best thing about this cheery holiday season.
The answer, my friends, is an easy lay. Really. It’s easier to score a one night stand around Christmas than it is to find a goofy goth kid wearing Wal-Mart face paint at I-Bar on a Wednesday night. Despite what grandma says, Christmas is not the season of sharing. It’s the season of having sex with someone who may or may not have your correct phone number.
Now ladies, this doesn’t necessarily apply to you. Mostly because “one night stand season” is open for you all year long. If, in a time of need, you haven’t yet learned how to wrastle yourself up a man for the evening, then you are beyond redemption. Men are dumb. We’d go home with a water buffalo if it had a nice rack and offered the promise of Grand Theft Auto and whiskey back at its place.
So gentlemen, you still with me? Good. Because all women, ALL women, want the same thing in this time of joy – they want to feel loved. A girl would rather be single for her sister’s wedding on Valentine’s Day than be single around any given Christmas. This time of year evokes so many sentimental feelings, that your average girl would be thrilled to watch football with your friends, so long as you’ll cuddle with her later that night. Or at least promise to. Who said anything about follow through?
Though that does lead me to an important point: Men, if you wish to dine at any roast beef carving stations this December, you will have to play the roll of a softie. Not for any extended period of time, per say, but if you’re at a bar and want to drunkenly ask a girl “Suhwahsyernaim?” (that being drunk speak for “so, what’s your name?”) you better be prepared to follow it up with “Eiijuusrahllymishhouldinsumwoon” (or “I just really miss holding someone”). Even on the coldest day of the year, a girl’s heart will melt like cinnamon ice cream on warm apple pie over that kind of material.
Don’t believe me? Fine. Not my problem. But I swear on all the free kegs at Back Booth that I have met some of the dirtiest, craziest, filthiest whores in all my life during the holiday season. I once met a girl who, within 3 hours of introducing myself, was asking me to (a) let her satisfy me orally, (b) have anal intercourse with her, and (c) spread my cake icing all over her face. Oh, and not back at her place. In the bathroom of the bar. Swear. To. God.
Now, in all fairness, that may not be exactly the cider you’re looking to swig; which is fine, of course. The point is that everything you’ve ever wanted – and more – is out there for the taking. You just can’t walk up and treat it like your normal one night stand situation. Women at Christmas are much more impressed by the guy who bought a touching gift for his mother than they are the “crowned prince of Jager Bombs.”
The thing is, girls are actually willing to be a bit crazier this time of year. They want that affection so bad they can taste it. Plus, it’s the season of giving, right? So why not give a little something special. You may have to cuddle with her afterwards and give her a massage, but luckily she thinks your name is Jacques and, yes, they really have 8-digit phone numbers now.
One last thing I haven’t yet revealed: this scheme actually applies to girls you already know. Honest truth. I’ve slept with a girl who downright hated me two weeks before Christmas and God only fucking knows what was going through her head at the time. A week later, she couldn’t stand the sight of me again. Why? Beats the shit out of me. I was probably just in the right place at the right time. She probably would’ve fellated a mountain goat had it shown up in my place.
The moral of this story is to keep your eyes and your ears open. Christmas is a veritable goldmine of one night stands. Always remember, nothing says “Merry Christmas” like getting to third base in the ....Washington St.... parking garage.
I lol'd
" I once met a girl who, within 3 hours of introducing myself, was asking me to (a) let her satisfy me orally, (b) have anal intercourse with her, and (c) spread my cake icing all over her face. Oh, and not back at her place. In the bathroom of the bar. Swear. To. God." I was there for that... though not in the bathroom- I was entertaining the ugly one back on that cum-encrusted coach. good times.
Fantastic.